I Roast My Own Beans Now and Frankly I've Transcended You
Buying roasted coffee is, when you think about it, intellectually lazy. It's like buying a painting instead of suffering for one. So I bought a $3,000 sample roaster and now my smoke alarm and I are no longer on speaking terms.
I roast in tiny 50-gram batches because anything larger is industrial, and the industrial is the death of the soul. Each batch takes my full attention, my whole afternoon, and roughly one year off my life expectancy. Worth it.
I listen for the 'first crack' the way other people listen to music. I find actual music distracting from the crack. My downstairs neighbor finds the smoke distracting from his breathing. We all make sacrifices.
My green beans come from a broker who only sells to people he 'vibes with.' I sent him a 2,000-word email about my coffee philosophy. He replied 'k.' We are basically family now.
“Caramelized superiority, but make it a personality.”
Have I made a good cup of coffee yet? No. Every batch has been either grassy and underdeveloped or carbonized beyond recognition. But I have made something far more important: a personality. 10/10.
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