A Glossary for the Tragically Uninitiated
Before you comment, before you "just ask a simple question," before you order a "medium," familiarize yourself with the basic vocabulary of the enlightened. I've dumbed it down. You're welcome.
TERROIR
The dirt the bean grew in, which I can taste, and you cannot, and that's the whole point.
MOUTHFEEL
The architecture of liquid in your mouth. If you have to ask, your mouth is a studio apartment.
THIRD WAVE
The enlightenment. Where coffee became art. We're on the fourth wave now. You're not invited.
SINGLE ORIGIN
From one farm. Possibly one tree. Ideally one branch that I have named.
CUPPING
A solemn ritual where adults slurp loudly from spoons and silently rank each other's souls.
CREMA
The golden foam atop espresso. Its color tells me everything about your moral character.
NATURAL PROCESS
The cherry dries with the bean inside, like the bean is still in a relationship with its origin. Beautiful. You wouldn't understand.
OAT MILK
A war crime. Next question.
'I JUST WANT IT TO TASTE LIKE COFFEE'
A phrase that has caused me to leave several Christmases early.
BLOOM
← Back, marginally less ignorant
The 30-second pause where CO₂ escapes the grounds. I observe it in total silence. Do not text me during the bloom.